Online Dating: A Cautionary Tale

Can we talk about online dating for just a minute????  

For those of us old enough to remember "old school" dating (i.e. meeting a cute boy from the all-boys school at Catholic Youth Group, to feeling "chemistry" with your lab partner in...well...college chem class...to being set up on a blind date with your husband post-college...) neither I nor any of my girlfriends seemed to have had a problem meeting kind, intelligent, men-of-character.

But fast-forward 30+ years...and many of us find ourselves single either by divorce or widowhood...and dating is a "whole thing"...and it's not very "whole"some.

Take the above posted "friend request"...*insert eye roll*

These types of con artists are always easy to spot.  They're typically "widowers" who are "orthopaedic surgeons" that work on "oil tankers" or for the "United Nations" and usually use images from men who have had their identities stolen.  These men always get an automatic delete and block from me.

But what about profiles on dating sites???  How do you know the person behind the "legitimate" image is who they say they are???  Really... Anyone can be anything they want to be behind a keyboard even if they are using their own photos.  

Catfishing is a very real phenomenon in the world of online dating and the men and women engaging in catfishing are getting more and more sophisticated.  Although some men/women still do fall victim to the overseas scammers, far more victims are conned right in their own communities.  

Did you know that between 2017 and 2023, there was a sharp increase in romance frauds?  According to James C. Barnacle, Jr., who oversees the financial crimes section of the FBI, prior to 2017 the FBI didn't have a significant number of romance fraud complaints in the United States.

Unfortunately, that has all changed.  

"More than 64,000 Americans were defrauded out of over $1.14 billion by romance scammers last year, according to the Federal Trade Commission - a figure experts say likely vastly underestimates the amount of damage done."

Deputy Assistant Attorney General Arun Rao, who oversees the Consumer Protection branch of the Department of Justice, said one of the biggest challenges facing law enforcement is how few victims report the crime.  He attributes that to embarrassment and shame". "They shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed," Rao said.  "These are sophisticated fraudsters who are preying on the human desire for affection.  And they are manipulating them using sophisticated technology."

I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN THE LEVEL OF SHAME/HUMILIATION/EMBARRASSMENT YOU EXPERIENCE WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOU'VE BEEN CONNED. 

 *silent screaming*

As you begin to process the reality of the situation your shock and disbelief (denial) slowly morphs into painful embarrassment...then deep sadness for what you have lost (or in my case never had to begin with)...and then to anger.  

The tricky thing about anger is that it needs to be kept in check.  Righteous anger is okay...seeking justice and protection is allowed and an important part of healing..., but vengeance is not okay and will only seek to keep you stuck in your grief.  

In my case, the cunning deception was so unbelievable that I took what little shred of dignity I had left and crawled into my local law enforcement office.  In my head, it was absolutely humiliating...I kept explaining to the officer taking my report that I REALLY WAS A SMART WOMAN.  The look of pity on his face only made me feel worse...not at all his intention...but it seemed to compound the disbelief of being misled for so long.   

In my situation, betrayal occurred through a deep web of deception.  And after the first lie was exposed, the tumultuous collapse of the entire relationship ensued.  EVERYTHING I had been told was a lie or a half-truth...others were exposed as part of the con...and for days, weeks actually, I walked around completely shell-shocked.  Many asked me if it was the infidelity that hurt.  Nope.  Men cheat.  They have since the beginning of time.  

No it was the lying...the incredible tales...minute details in those tales...that I NEVER thought to question.  It was doing what I thought was "right" by introducing this person to my parents and siblings...my in-laws...and my girlfriends that still didn't expose the deceiver.  The last thing I wanted to do was bring someone into my life and my children's lives who would take advantage of us...and that's exactly what I did.  *sob*  

Fortunately, as time has passed, I have managed to reclaim both my self-worth and my self-confidence.  Much of this I credit to my incredible tribe of girlfriends...both old and new...but also to law enforcement and therapy. 

Cons are good at what they do...sometimes even believing their own lies.  I imagine it is some sort of pathology that I am not educated enough to even armchair diagnose.  

So, if you find yourself suddenly single...longtime single and ready to jump into online dating...let me give you a bit of advice...DON'T.  JUST DON'T.

As the detective handling my case told me, "Valerie, I've been handling domestic violence cases for 20+ years...never have I seen the number of online cons/scammers/abuse cases skyrocket like I have over the past five to ten years since online dating apps have exploded.  There have ALWAYS been folks with diagnosable illnesses such as narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, etc, but these folks never had access to the sheer number of victims like they now do through technology.  So, can I give you a bit of advice? Walk away from online dating."

And I have.  

Big plans for Summer 2024, and it involves my kids...me, myself, and I...and returning to a more peaceful way of life. 

Happy Friday Eve, Friends!

Valerie