Easter Sunday: A Light in the Darkness

Easter weekend saved my life...literally and figuratively.

My parents insisted that Luke and I come home for Easter.  My older two children had different plans for the holiday weekend. 

I didn't want to make the trip to St. Louis.  At all.  

After weeks of crying, barely eating, and experiencing confused sleep cycles, I didn't think I had it in me to physically make the 4-hour drive home.  All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball, lick my wounds, and sleep. 

But even worse, I didn't want to look my parents or siblings (especially my father) in the eye.  I felt such deep shame for getting involved with someone who was able to deceive me so easily. (More on shame later.)

On Good Friday, I actually saw my physician because the anxiety I was experiencing was off the charts...even for me...a Type A personality to begin with.  LOL 

When Dr. H walked into the exam room, I immediately burst into tears...I literally couldn't catch my breath between sobs.  I distinctly remember her saying, "Valerie, what's wrong...what is it...you're scaring me...breathe...can I hug you?"  In between sobs, I managed to choke out, "Oh Dr. H, I really messed up.  I am so ashamed."

From there the story tumbled out...the lies, the emails and text exchanges, the further lies discovered, the confusion and deep pain that I had been trying to manage day by day.  Dr. H was amazing and knew exactly what I needed to be able to regain control of my emotions and my life.  

My mom and I agreed to split the weekend.  I stayed home with Luke on Friday night and then we took off early Saturday morning for St. Louis.  Although I was still completely exhausted, I made the trip for my mom as it was also her birthday weekend.  

Saturday afternoon, we all relaxed and went out to dinner. Upon returning home, I retreated up to my guest bedroom.  About an hour late, my mom INSISTED that Luke and I come downstairs to play a card game.  

Friends, I HATE playing cards.

My mother would not take "no"for an answer. 

And then we had the most FANTASTIC TIME playing 5 Crowns.  Even Luke, who has inherited my disdain for playing cards, quickly caught on and giggled with joy when he would "go out" first.  

I can't explain exactly how it happened (I truly believe the Holy Spirit was at work), but my mood began to lighten and I found myself smiling and even laughing some too.  By the time the card game was over, I felt better than I had in close to a month...I began to feel like the girl I used to be.  

When I finally did climb into bed, I delved into my Catholic prayers app, thanking God for saving me from myself, and showing me a glimmer of hope...a sliver of light...belief in a better tomorrow.  I chose then to entrust myself to HIS care...to devote myself to my roles of parenting and educating students...and to being the very best/healthiest "me" that I can be. 

This guy looks SO GOOD after quintuple bypass in December!

Easter Sunday dawned bright and sunny.  It was cold.  And windy, but SUNNY.  Oh how we had all been missing the sun...again, literally and figuratively. 

As I sat inside the most beautiful tiny, historic, (National Register of Historic Places) Catholic Church, I was filled with so much peace.  A sense of calm, while being enveloped in love, filled my being.  I knew I was so blessed to have my precious, cherished, youngest child at my side, and my 80-year old healthy parents also sharing the pew with us.  

Our family's generational and deep commitment to Catholicism was evident that day.

Later that afternoon, my siblings and nephews (and their girlfriends) all came over to my parent's house to celebrate my mom's birthday.  She is just the CUTEST!!!

Although it was a fast trip, I have zero regrets forcing myself to go to STL and am so grateful that my parent's insisted I come for Easter.

That night, when Luke and I arrived home, I called my folks to let them know we had arrived safely back in town.  I also thanked my parents for not mentioning what had happened to me and the kids.  At that time, I was definitely not ready to discuss anything about my betrayal trauma.  The mental health break from thinking or discussing our heartbreak was a welcome relief.  

Today, a full month later, I am happy to report that I am in a completely different head space.  The kids and I continue to process this loss/grief/trauma with a therapist, and we are all committed to moving forward.  Life is good again.  Lots of exciting things are happening for my little family and I can't wait to update with all the positives we've experienced.