Grappling with Shame

As I wrap up this series of journal entries on my experience with betrayal trauma, I wanted to jot down a few thoughts about shame.  These thoughts are best expressed via memes and bits of conversation shared between my grief therapist and me.

Yesterday's session was very raw and emotional.  After a solid month of feeling strong and resilient, questions surrounding how to move forward brought up my struggle with shame and guilt surrounding being conned.

THERAPIST:  "Can you tell me, Valerie, why are you experiencing such despair?  Tell me what you are feeling."

ME:  "I am just so ashamed.  I hurt so many people by inviting someone into my life and my children's lives who hurt us.  I introduced this person to my parents and siblings...in-laws...friends.  They are also experiencing sadness and anger for me and my children.  I brought this on."

THERAPIST:  "But why do you feel shame?  Do you understand the definition of shame?  Of guilt?"

ME:  "Guilt is what one feels when they do something to hurt others.  Shame is what one feels when you unintentionally hurt others."

THERAPIST:  "NOPE.  Wrong."

THERAPIST:  "GUILT is what someone should feel when they harm another...whether that is intentionally or unintentionally.  It is their moral compass telling them that they need to make amends. Guilt is a healthy response.  SHAME is what one feels when they suffer embarrassment or humiliation because they perceive that what they've done is because they are fundamentally flawed. Shame is an unhealthy emotional response."

"So let me ask you again...why do you feel shame?"

ME (between choking sobs):  "because I didn't do my due diligence...I blindly trusted and failed to do a background check on this person...I naïvely believed everything they told me...I didn't pick up or catch any lies or fabrications...for SIXTEEN MONTHS!  I am so book smart...and yet, I must be the dumbest woman to walk the earth. I will NEVER be able to trust anyone again."

THERAPIST:  "Valerie...I have known you for almost 5 years.  And I just have to tell you how much I HATE that this has happened to you and your children.  You have been through so much and don't deserve this...NOBODY deserves this...but YOU DID NOT EARN THIS...NOTHING YOU DID OR DIDN'T DO WAS DESERVING OF BEING DECEIVED.  THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU...THIS IS ABOUT THEM.  

ME:  "But it is about me.  I didn't check them out before allowing them into our lives.

THERAPIST:  "Why would you???!!!!  You and I met our spouses 30 years ago...the old-fashioned way.  We met them through classes in high school/college...blind dates...Catholic Youth Groups...we did not meet strangers online.  There is absolutely NOTHING in your background that caused you to be suspicious or untrusting.  Now, unfortunately, a part of you has been harmed and will need time to heal in order to trust and open up to someone new...but there is absolutely nothing for you to feel SHAME or GUILT over.  NOTHING."

"Recognize what belongs to you and what doesn't"

ME:  "So how do I let this go...how do I move past or through the shame..."

THERAPIST:  "You don't OWN IT!  It doesn't belong to you.  Every time you start to feel shame, ask yourself...'What did I do wrong?  Who did I harm?' Your answer should always be NOTHING/NOBODY.  You did nothing wrong except trust the wrong person.  Lesson learned.  Move forward."

And then we sat in silence for a few moments.  

ME:  "Okay.  I will."

Just like I chose The Triduum/Holy Week to return to Church/God/Prayer Life, I walked out of therapy last night determined to "shake the dust off my feet" (Matthew 10:14).  

No more shame.  No more beating myself up for being too trusting.  No more accepting or looking for "responsibility for my part in this".  I will not own any part of this nightmare I stumbled into. I will detach...let go...and be wiser because of it.   

But most importantly, I vow to remain the loving, kind, and dedicated mother/daughter/teacher/friend that I was and always have been.  I have lost a lot in this mess (innocence especially), but I will not let anyone steal my kindness and belief that there are still good and loving people in this world.  

As always, I am ever so appreciative of prayers for me and my children if you feel moved to do so.

In Christ, 

Valerie